Quadraboob Quandary

I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks.  A dear friend’s daughter is getting married in October.  Her other daughter got married this past May.  I broke down and wore a dress with panty hose for the May reception.  The last time I wore a dress was when this same friend got remarried 7 years ago. As you can probably guess, I rarely dress up, let alone wear a dress.  My friend said “Oh, just wear the same dress in October; just wear some black tights with it.”  Now if all of the same people weren’t going to be at this wedding I may have considered this, but we have a lot of mutual friends. So that was not an option.  I decided to pull out an animal print dress I bought a decade ago for a class reunion I never attended.  I bought the dress online specifically for my reunion, but have never worn it.  It’s a sleeveless shift dress with a black long jacket.  The jacket has animal print on the collar and down the front.  It’s actually a very nice outfit.

I tried in on, it fit! Yeah!  My weight has been up and down over the years, so I wasn’t sure it would fit.  After admiring my reflection for a while, (I had to really get a good look, as I was wearing some old glasses and couldn’t see too well), I thought it would work.  I found some nice shoes, put on the accessories I was going to wear, and thought ‘hey there good lookin’, you don’t look half bad for a middle-aged woman’.

The wedding is early in the day, and the reception is several hours later. Having this in mind, I wanted to make sure my ensemble was comfortable. I sat down, took the jacket off on the rare chance I might get my husband to dance with me.  Then I noticed it.  It being the strange way the top of the dress fit.  After I put on some newer glasses, I saw it. OMG! The dress fit well, but cut my chest in half horizontally, mid nipple.  I thought, oh crap, I have a quadraboob. How that word even popped in my head is anybody’s guess.  My ‘girls’ are big, so it was pretty darn noticeable. I have a rare talent of retaining absolutely useless information.  I’m sure I heard quadraboob sometime in my life.  I Googled it, and was aghast when I saw the photos.  Those quadraboobs were just ill-fitting bras with some major spillage going on.  They didn’t look like they had four boobs, just boobs falling out of the top.  I didn’t see any photos of what I had going on.  Thank god I put on those newer glasses.

I can just hear those people at the reception now, “Hey, check out the chick with the four boobs on the dance floor.”  Geez, maybe I should just wear the same dress with tights, and different glasses.

 

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