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Just call me Morty, but my name is Sally!

Sep19

Ok, what is going on with my body? I swear I’m turning into an old man, but I’m a middle aged woman! WTH??? I have hair growing in weird places. Like hair coming out of my nose, black hair, and I’m blonde! I have more pubic hair growing down the back of my legs than in my pubic area. Is it trying to escape? Is it migrating towards my feet? Don’t get me started on the hair on my face? If I didn’t shave it off, I’d be a dead ringer for Grizzly Adams.

I know your body changes when you go through menopause (which I’ve been in for five years), but this is ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I like not having periods anymore. I would take them back in a heartbeat to not have all of this extra hair. Oh, and did I mention that the hair on my head would be going south if it wasn’t for the wonder elixir Rogaine? I’m just a middle aged hot mess!

I exercise five days a week, for an hour at a time just to maintain my weight. Do you think my legs might be a bit toned after walking 15 miles a week? Oh hell no! I have lost all of the muscle tone in my body. My shorts go to my knees and my shirts stop at my elbows. I know I should lift weights to firm up, but who has time after exercising an hour a day five times a week.

If anyone can suggest a good workout to firm up, I would really appreciate it. Now if you will excuse me while I go and trim my nose hair, and shave the back of my thighs! Good grief!

Quadraboob Quandary

Sep18

I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks.  A dear friend’s daughter is getting married in October.  Her other daughter got married this past May.  I broke down and wore a dress with panty hose for the May reception.  The last time I wore a dress was when this same friend got remarried 7 years ago. As you can probably guess, I rarely dress up, let alone wear a dress.  My friend said “Oh, just wear the same dress in October; just wear some black tights with it.”  Now if all of the same people weren’t going to be at this wedding I may have considered this, but we have a lot of mutual friends. So that was not an option.  I decided to pull out an animal print dress I bought a decade ago for a class reunion I never attended.  I bought the dress online specifically for my reunion, but have never worn it.  It’s a sleeveless shift dress with a black long jacket.  The jacket has animal print on the collar and down the front.  It’s actually a very nice outfit.

I tried in on, it fit! Yeah!  My weight has been up and down over the years, so I wasn’t sure it would fit.  After admiring my reflection for a while, (I had to really get a good look, as I was wearing some old glasses and couldn’t see too well), I thought it would work.  I found some nice shoes, put on the accessories I was going to wear, and thought ‘hey there good lookin’, you don’t look half bad for a middle-aged woman’.

The wedding is early in the day, and the reception is several hours later. Having this in mind, I wanted to make sure my ensemble was comfortable. I sat down, took the jacket off on the rare chance I might get my husband to dance with me.  Then I noticed it.  It being the strange way the top of the dress fit.  After I put on some newer glasses, I saw it. OMG! The dress fit well, but cut my chest in half horizontally, mid nipple.  I thought, oh crap, I have a quadraboob. How that word even popped in my head is anybody’s guess.  My ‘girls’ are big, so it was pretty darn noticeable. I have a rare talent of retaining absolutely useless information.  I’m sure I heard quadraboob sometime in my life.  I Googled it, and was aghast when I saw the photos.  Those quadraboobs were just ill-fitting bras with some major spillage going on.  They didn’t look like they had four boobs, just boobs falling out of the top.  I didn’t see any photos of what I had going on.  Thank god I put on those newer glasses.

I can just hear those people at the reception now, “Hey, check out the chick with the four boobs on the dance floor.”  Geez, maybe I should just wear the same dress with tights, and different glasses.

 

Driving 101

Aug25

I’m a pretty easygoing person.  It really takes a lot to make me mad. The one thing that is probably my biggest pet peeve is bad drivers.  Why do some people think they literally own the road?  I’ve been driving for many years and people never cease to amaze me by their sheer stupidity.  I was merging onto the freeway last Thursday night, and a tractor trailer in my lane wouldn’t let me in. I almost ran off the road. Scared the who ha out of me.  I’m in my little Kia Soul and this clown is in a mega ton death machine. Geez, no wonder my hair gets gray so much faster these days.

I mean what is up with these knuckleheads and road rage?  A lane on the freeway isn’t worth dying for.   When people do stupid stuff in their cars, like cut me off etc.  I just smile through gritted teeth, all while calling them some very nasty names, to myself.  People are crazy drivers.  I get such a kick when someone makes a bonehead move in front of me, and then flips me the bird! Really! Just get your license yesterday did you?  I have to laugh, or else I’d look like a granny with all my hair turning gray.

 

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Are sequins next????

Jul14

On a recent Saturday afternoon, I was shopping at my local department store.  When out of the corner of my eye, I saw something sparkly hanging on the wall. Turns out it was a jean jacket style jacket with sequins? What? When have I ever worn sequins on a jacket? Where in the world would I wear something like that?  I had a flashback of a senior citizen I saw in Vegas with sequins and sparkles head to toe. What’s happening to me???

Lately when I’m looking at the Sunday paper coupon section, I’m looking closer at that the ads geared toward seniors. You know the ones I’m talking about, Velcro slippers, memory foam anything.

While I’ve never been a slave to fashion, I think I usually look pretty good. I’ll never wear anything that makes me look stupid (I hope not anyway).  I was ecstatic when boot cut jeans came back in style.  I was never a fan of “mom” jeans. I wore them only because that’s what was available. Some women still wear them, and god bless em’, but not me.

I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older that comfort is at the top of my fashion list.  I’m all about comfort, but I draw the line at elastic waist pants. Really!  I’m 55, I think back to when my mother was 55, she was quite the stylish gal.  I remember her vast collection of polyester pants. You may remember them; they had the front crease sewn down the front.  She must have had 20 different colors, with matching hideous blouses; it was the 70’s after all.  I vowed then and there I would never wear old lady clothes, even when I was an old lady. 

I’ve heard 50 is the new 30? Is it really? Or was that just the voices in my head?  I take care of myself and take pride in my appearance.  I’m not trying to look like I’m 20.  No one will ever mistake me for one of the “Real Housewives of anything”, and I’m fine with that.  It’s sad when I see young women who look like they have given up on their appearance. You only have one life, why not look the very best you can.