Menopause: We need to talk

Christie BrinkleyWe’ve been seeing each other for seven years now.  I think it’s time for you to go, I mean really, get the hell out of my life.  I could have easily dealt with having a period for the rest of my life.  It only would be for a few days a month anyway.  All of the changes you have put me through, just drop freaking dead!

The changes you have made to my body are unforgiveable.  I use to have the wonderful ten inch waist to hip ratio. That is where your hips are ten inches larger than your waist.  I use to have an hour glass figure.  Now it’s more like an apple.

I exercise five days a week, for almost an hour each time.  Do you think it makes much of a difference?  Um no.  I use to have some muscle tone, now I have the dreaded old person wrinkly skin. Thank god, I live in a cold climate and I can be covered up most of the time.

Forget about doing hormone replacement, too dangerous given my family history.  I don’t have hot flashes anymore, but sleeping without taking meds, ain’t happening.  The meds I take to sleep will probably make me lose my mind. Great!

People say, but you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant now.  I didn’t worry before, because I was on birth control for years.  I only went off of it because my doctor made me.

The good thing about puberty is you know when it’s over.  So far I haven’t gotten an end date for this menopause crap.   Nobody likes to talk about it.  You men don’t know how easy you have it.  You might have to deal with a little erectile dysfunction or baldness.  Hell, you just take a little pill and shave your head. Oh, then get yourself a much younger woman.

As I sit here looking at a 62 year old Christie Brinkley on the cover of the magazine telling me about her “young-forever diet”, I pretty much want to puke.  She looks amazing at 62, but she was also a former super model.  She has amazing hair, which she admits to using hair extensions.  Yeah, I tried hair extensions, unfortunately you could tell.  Lucky for me I have a great collection of baseball caps.

The good thing about menopause?? I don’t have a flipping clue, but if you know please clue me in.


18 thoughts on “Menopause: We need to talk

  1. 😂. This was great! About the only thing that’s made me laugh about the flaming menopause. I feel your pain, your frustration, your anger and would also like the MP to do one (as my kids say!) 🙃

  2. I guess every woman’s experience with menopause is different, but nothing could be worse than suffering through painful periods every month. And tampons are expensive! No, the hot flashes are not fun, but they don’t last long. However, I’m having a problem with the amount of nose hair old age has brought upon me. Where did all this hair come from? 🙂

  3. One good thing about menopause (had to find one): great excuse when you are feeling cranky!
    I am fairly lucky, haven’t had to deal with too many symptoms except for the hot flashes and those were only bad the first summer, I guess the heat didn’t help ^^. What I do know, though, is that the smallest amount of alcohol will trigger them for me. Not a big deal, I can stay dry without any problem!

  4. I’m with you! And as for the photo of Christie B. Well a lot can be done with lighting, makeup and clever photo processing. If you met her for a coffee one morning early she might look just like the rest of us! Thanks for posting this.

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